Power vs. Love-Based Relationships: How to Build Healthier Connections

These views are expressed by our healer Ashwita

I observe two types of relationships in the world: Power-based and Love-based. They are usually mutually exclusive, although one might learn to shift from one to another. I’m talking about all types of relationships, not just romantic ones, but friendships, parental bonds, sibling dynamics, professional interactions—everything.

Power-Based Relationships

Power-based relationships are the popular choice. Most of what is thought of as love is not love at all, but a power struggle. We think we love, but in reality, we seek dominance and control. Such relationships often involve subtle or overt bullying. There may be anger outbursts or tantrums, emotional blackmail, passive-aggressive comments, or even complete avoidance of conflict—sweeping everything under the rug to maintain a fragile peace. The underlying aim is to ‘make’ the other do what we want, whether through intimidation, guilt, or manipulation.

Unfortunately, many people don’t realize they are in power-based relationships. They assume love means sacrifice, submission, or constantly fighting to be heard. In romantic relationships, this can manifest as one partner making all the decisions while the other is expected to comply. In friendships, it can look like one friend always setting the terms while the other follows along, fearful of upsetting the balance. In families, parents might exert control over their children’s choices under the guise of love, believing they know best, while children, in turn, might manipulate their parents with guilt or rebellion.

Love-Based Relationships

Love-based relationships, on the other hand, are much rarer because they require trust and genuine connection. The foundation is respect, even in the face of anger, frustration, or insecurity. People in such relationships talk about their problems openly because they know they will be heard and respected. The goal is not to win but to resolve conflicts by finding a middle ground. Love-based relationships prioritize freedom and individual choice, trusting that both parties are committed to the relationship without the need for coercion or control.

These relationships are about two responsible, self-aware individuals walking together rather than one dragging the other along. They are built on mutual support rather than expectations and demands. Such relationships foster personal growth, as both individuals are free to be themselves without fear of judgment or control.

The Clash Between Power and Love

The most disturbing situations arise when these two dynamics collide—when someone who seeks control and dominance interacts with someone who believes in freedom and responsibility. In such cases, the relationship can quickly become abusive, with the love-based individual being manipulated, gaslit, or taken advantage of. If they remain unaware of the imbalance, they may continue to tolerate unhealthy behavior, believing they need to be more understanding or giving.

This becomes even worse when the power-seeker presents a charming, people-pleasing facade to the outside world. They may appear kind, generous, and perfect to others while being controlling and emotionally draining behind closed doors—a Jekyll and Hyde personality. The love-based individual may struggle to explain their suffering because others only see the manipulator’s mask of perfection.

Choosing Love Over Power

Recognizing these patterns is the first step to shifting towards love-based relationships. It requires self-reflection: Are we seeking to control, or are we truly supporting our loved ones? Do we express our needs openly, or do we resort to manipulation? Are we choosing partners, friends, or colleagues who respect us, or are we drawn into toxic dynamics?

Breaking free from power-based relationships takes courage, especially if we have been conditioned to equate control with love. But in choosing love over power, we create relationships that nourish rather than deplete, that empower rather than suppress. And that is where true connection—and true love—begins.